One of the most common questions I hear from childfree clients is “If something happens to me, who actually steps in to handle things?” As high-achieving women, we’re used to a “get-it-done even if I have to do it myself” mentality. That kind of capability and independence is great for your career, but estate planning is a keen reminder that you can’t do everything yourself. When you don’t have adult children to name as your default decision-makers, the “obvious” answer suddenly isn’t there. What now? No wonder so many women procrastinate on making an estate plan.
To get the ball rolling again, you need to ask a more personal question: who do you actually trust to make financial and medical decisions for you when you can’t? Don’t worry. I’m not gonna leave you to spiral. Let’s walk through how to choose the person (or persons) you designate to make medical, financial, and legal decisions on your behalf if you’re incapacitated and after you’re gone.
Some Roles to Consider In Your Estate Plan
When you’re planning a dinner party, you know exactly which friend to trust with making the dessert and which friend can only be trusted with wine selection (and we love them both equally). The point is that before you can decide who, it helps to know what, so you can pick someone qualified.
As you age, there are three scenarios where you may want to have someone trustworthy step in for you:
- If a medical event leaves you unable to speak up for yourself. If you were to have a stroke, experience cognitive decline, or have any kind of medical emergency, you would want to make sure you could count on someone to make decisions for you as your healthcare agent. This person should be someone who knows you and understands your values around treatment, quality of life, and end-of-life care, not just your medical history.
- If you become unable to manage your finances. Same scenario as above. If you experience a medical event that temporarily inhibits your ability to stay on top of your finances, or if you experience cognitive decline and need a long-term solution, a financial agent can manage your financial and legal matters during your lifetime. They’ll pay bills, manage accounts, handle property, etc. This role requires organization and money-smarts–think the friend who’s really good at budgeting or the one who makes a mean spreadsheet.
- If you have a trust and you become incapacitated. A successor trustee can step in for you to manage trust assets during your lifetime as well as continue to administer the trust after your death.
- If you aren’t going to live forever. A personal representative (also called the executor of your estate) is the one who handles your assets and other matters that must be administered through probate after your death.
Without kids in the picture, you have a unique opportunity to be extra picky about who you choose. No default options or hurt feelings to navigate! You get to choose people whose judgment and capabilities you genuinely trust, not just whoever happens to be next in line.
Duck, Duck…
Tagging your sibling or best friend is a natural choice for many people, but if they’re around the same age as you, you may want to take age into consideration, since they could need help at the same time as you. That doesn’t mean you *can’t* ask your sister to be your healthcare agent. Overall, there are more important questions to consider:
Is this person available to fill this role? Does/will their health likely to allow it? Do I trust their judgment? Are they reliable? Are they genuinely willing to fill this role?
If you get stuck on how to choose a financial agent, a healthcare agent, or any other role, go back to the dinner party analogy. Ask yourself: do they handle their own finances well? Do they stay level-headed in a crisis? Do they respect what matters to me even when we disagree? For some roles, this works beautifully. For others, especially the successor trustee role, consider thinking bigger.
Some Professional Solutions to Think About
If you’re looking for a neutral, professional, third party, a bank or trust company can serve as trustee, as long as you understand the actual scope of the role they can fill. Banks and trust companies generally serve only as trustee; they typically won’t step in as your financial or healthcare agent, and they may require that your assets be placed under their management during your lifetime as a condition of the relationship. Again, not a bad option, but depending on your situation, that may not meet all of your needs.
For someone who doesn’t have an appropriate family member or friend to fill every role, an individual professional fiduciary is worth considering. This can solve the problem of finding a clearly designated individual (a necessity under Hawai’i law) who is willing and qualified to serve across multiple roles (medical agent, financial agent, and trustee), giving you one point of contact instead of several. So if you don’t have kids and aren’t sure who else to ask, working with a named professional fiduciary can offer a simpler solution.
Questions to Ask Before You Decide
Credentials matter, but understanding how a professional fiduciary actually makes key decisions is just as important. These are big roles to entrust to someone, so it’s worth taking time to find a professional who understands and aligns with your values. Some conversation starters:
- What process do you follow to make significant financial or medical decisions? Who do you consult? You want a fiduciary who has a clear, thoughtful process, not someone making major decisions based on a gut feeling or what “most” of their clients want.
- How do you handle potential conflicts of interest? What do you do when family members disagree with your decisions or expectations? Disagreements happen, especially when emotions are heightened. What matters is whether this person can prioritize your wishes while still communicating with compassion.
- What internal checks and oversight systems do you have to ensure that fiduciary duties are consistently met? Accountability shouldn’t rely on good intentions alone. Ask about audits, documentation, and how they’re held to their obligations over time.
You can also use these questions to evaluate friends or family members who could fill these roles.
Build Your Perfect Fit
Not having a default person to fill these kinds of roles can feel disconcerting or even like there’s a hole in the plan. I encourage you to reframe it: it’s just a different starting point, and one that can make it easier to be intentional with your choices than it may be for your contemporaries with children.
That said, I know it can feel like a lot and like starting from ground zero. That’s why I created a guide to estate planning when kids aren’t in the picture, whether that’s by choice or not, or whether you’re dealing with estrangement. You can download it here.
And of course I’m here when you need a sounding board. Reach out when you’re ready.
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